And no, this title is not an allusion to the voice in my head, or some kind of new-age deity I recently discovered. I am literally referring to the abominable creature residing in the apartment above me.
I don't know what it is about me, but every time I move (which has essentially been an annual event for me for the past 9 years) I somehow manage to find the worst neighbours in the history of ever. Every. Time. If you are reading this, you are obviously an avid fan (thanks for your support) and thus aware of the reprobates from my 2015 dwelling. I have not yet made mention of those from any of my previous dwellings in any of my posts, so I will digress shortly to bring you all up to speed, and then resume my rant about this year's model of Neighbour from Hell.
Before I start, a quick disclaimer (this is the part that makes it all ok, and proves I'm not just whining). This post is not a complaint, but rather a commentary on the nature of subhuman creatures. They are a fascinating breed to me, and it's becoming somewhat of a hobby for me to find and observe them (I suppose it could be as a consequence of my love for psychology and puzzles). So I'd like to share my preliminary findings with you.
2008 to 2010 - Neighbour from Hell version 1.0. My undergrad student years. Shitty neighbours are to be expected in this scenario, as most are students and all are usually permanently fluctuating between tipsy and comatose on the "drunk" scale. So I had my fair share of noise, obscene behaviours, and people hot-boxing my flat (for the "innocents" who are reading this, it means that my flat was the hub of the weed smokers, due to my lovely but eccentric room mate). I survived.
2011 - Neighbour from Hell version 2.0. An interesting year. I moved into a flat with a friend who proceeded to move out, and into the boyfriend's flat (Boyfriend lived in the same complex), pretty much the week I moved in. A lovely enough complex in a very central area. I was quite happy. Anyway, I essentially lived alone, although my "buddy" still made frequent trips to the flat to make sure I didn't so much as place a candle in the living room (my belongings and I were strictly confined to my bedroom), and to scold me for leaving my coffee mug, cereal bowl, lunch plate, etc. in the sink all day and only washing dishes every evening rather than washing each dish immediately after using it. (This coming from someone who accumulated so many dishes before washing them, that the oven became a hiding place for dishes when guests came to visit). I mean, really. Anyway, we lived on the ground floor, and the flat above us was occupied by some Indian fellows fresh out of Durbs. They obviously had very bad feng shui in their place, because they moved their furniture around almost daily (and lifting was not a concept they had grasped yet - it was all pushed along the floor). They also appeared to have really unreliable cars, as they spent the whole of every single Sunday (from 6am to about 7pm) "working" on their cars, with all four doors open, and the music blaring (and we all know how intense the sound systems are in Durban-Indian cars). It was a tad annoying, to say the least.
2012 - Neighbour from Hell version 3.0. Let's not even go there. (I lived in a room in a boarding house, adjacent to approximately 50 preteen female boarders). HORRENDOUS. Need I say more?
2013 - The best neighbours thus far, and this is because I didn't have any. I was travelling (see previous blog for those stories) and life was good!
2014 - Neighbour from Hell version 4.0. I lived alone in a little flat. It was in a lovely new-ish complex. Very secure, great location, awesome facilities... And then came the neighbours. Now I can't back this up with any evidence, (although since this is a rant, and I can say what I like, evidence is irrelevant) but I am almost certain that these were drug dealers, or maybe pimps. There were about 4-5 people staying in the flat at any one time (a one bedroom flat. Just saying.), they drove a top-of-the-range Mercedes, the men wore very fancy clothes, and they had a sound system to rival Woodstock... Yet their balcony furniture consisted of two broken camping chairs, some cooler boxes, and other square-shaped things for sitting on, their house had very little, if any, furniture in it (judging from how clearly their conversations could be heard from anywhere in the complex), and the women used to come out onto the balcony to smoke dressed as though they had scavenged some scraps of really old material from the teeth of a raging bear and stuck these together with sticky tape to cover the essentials (and let me tell you, sometimes it didn't even do that!). Plus they were loud, obnoxious a$$holes. Naturally, I wasn't a fan.
2016 - Neighbour from Hell version 6.0. My latest adventure. I was so excited to find a cute and quaint little apartment about 2.5km from work (such a boon when dealing with Sandton traffic!). I was assured that this complex had very stringent rules and regulations, and the inhabitants are all from the very upper echelons of the young Sandton elite (i.e. they're snobs.). You can imagine my joy to hear all of this. Unfortunately, it was a massive exaggeration. The truth is, this place is just like any other and the bitch upstairs (hereafter referred to as Bitch) is testament to this fact.
Generally, people who live in flats and apartments have some semblance of an idea as to the etiquette of close-quarter dwelling. Bitch is evidently new to this game. The first thing she has apparently never been taught is how to use a door. I am waiting for the day that this thing literally just falls off its hinges, or shatters. She slams it so hard (at whatever hour of the day or night that she happens to arrive or leave) that my windows actually rattle. A most wonderful noise to wake up to at 3am on a work night. She also seems to be under the impression that everybody in the complex is very deprived of music, and it is her duty to share her "music" (read "crappy noise") with us. No matter the hour, Bitch will sit in her car (which, by the way, she cannot drive or park properly - I'm sure she just leaves it wherever it comes to a stop when she gets home) and listen to her garbage at volume 5000, despite the fact that she knows the parking area is right outside multiple bedroom windows (including her own). Then, once she has managed to wake up the whole of Sandton with her noise, she will STOMP up the four flights of stairs to her apartment as though she weighs the equivalent of an adult hippopotamus (and then of course, assault the door). But the most unforgettable experience thus far (I am contemplating hypnotherapy to try and erase this memory) is the Sunday morning that I woke up to the sound of her copulating.
I couldn't believe Bitch had managed to find a male of her species (I know it was male because I could hear both of them), as I really thought she was a genetic error of some sort, but somehow she found one (although, I have since decided that she is actually paid for these services, if you catch my drift). The sounds that came through my bedroom roof actually made my ears bleed a little, and I'm pretty sure a part of my soul died that day. I don't even imagine that the lowest grade, no-budget, home-made video could ever come close to the horror.
Anyway, I could go on for a good while longer about the things I have survived, but it takes a lot of energy to write about so much stupidity and lack of human decency (and probably equally as much to read about it), and I'd like to end with a smile... So here's the very large silver lining on that itty-bitty little cloud in my blue sky: in spite of Bitch's best efforts, 2016 is shaping up to be a really fantastic year. I have got a job at a great company where I am learning so much, every single day, and I work with a really lovely bunch of peeps. I recently put together a really fun and successful Quiz evening for us, which I will probably mention in more detail in my next post. I have also set my sights on completing a Warrior Race in August this year (eeek!). So I have started training to make sure I don't die at the Start line. Quite chuffed with my progress so far. I think I might even make it to the first obstacle!
Well, that's all I have to say for now. Except, here's to Neighbour 7.0 being a magical combination of dumb, deaf and miniature (a sort of Helen Keller midget, if you will). Wouldn't that be dandy?
Until next time...
Quote for the day: "The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people." - G. K. Chesterton
No comments:
Post a Comment